My stepfather had a bypass 4 day’s before I was to turn in my data science Dragon my give a fluff is broken but my go fluff yourself is fully functional shirt 1st year in college, my mother called me talking as if he had collapsed, but I found out years later it was found and scheduled during a checkup months in advance. I came rushing like good son’s do, she cried and cried and I felt sorry for her, somehow sucked right back home while 100’s of miles away, guilty over a million things and brain barely functioning. I graduated 1.s year but I was in a fog and I barely knew it. I dropped out of college, became a carpenter and struggled along, disconnected, exhausted after social things and constantly sleep deprived.
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My mothers sister was a brainwashed wreck and finally killed herself 7 years later, I felt guilty as sin and I got a depression soon after I tried talking about Dragon my give a fluff is broken but my go fluff yourself is fully functional shirt with different psychiatrist’s, trying to verbalize what happened but it felt like they were looking at my questions as “what is wrong with him since he ask’s that” rather than wtf happened to him and how do people get better afterwards. I ended up getting diagnosed with Asperger’s 9 years ago, almost relieved something was wrong with me, relieved I wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore and it was actually pretty good, even if the diagnosis didn’t “feel like me” it did help me look around for tools to manage being disconnected, not feeling myself. But the nightmares persisted and so did the other problems, but my diagnosis helped me cope and camouflage it better.