I know other people are judging you harshly for staying; but I’m in a Keep Dancing tee shirt and I’m staying too. That being said, I laid down the law for my husband regarding my IL’s as a condition of working things out. Part of that included me no longer being involved with his family and him growing a set of balls regarding his family and they weren’t harassing me half as badly as this woman is. Part of reconciliation needs to be no contact with her, she is poison for your relationship and absolutely contributed to the cheating (my IL’s did).
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We were both raised in financially well-to-do families with the snobbery that goes with it. There are plenty of well-off people out there that don’t step on those with Keep Dancing tee shirt, but your MIL and my JNMOM are not those people. We were both raised in high-octane, high-expectations families. From the sounds of things, DH’s family has scores of highly-educated, driven and well-paid professional types that aren’t balanced out with sufficient doses of humility.