Of course it is hell either way. But at least this way your dignity is more intact than it would be otherwise. It doesn’t matter to your boys, they don’t know a life where you “made up” with him and were subjected to it again and Never Underestimate An Old Woman With A Turtle shirt. It matters to you, because whatever is left of your dignity when you have a chance to look back is mountains more than it could have been. You saved your boys, but just as importantly, you also saved yourself. I know so many women who couldn’t do it and ended up drug-addicted on the street, kids wards of the state, having lost everything.
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You are a QUEEN. It takes some kind of guts to get up at your lowest and Never Underestimate An Old Woman With A Turtle shirt. My mom’s generation went, “Parenting is hard. If your kids ate today, you haven’t yet failed as a mother.” Today I think “If your suicide attempts have failed, your parenting hasn’t” is more accurate. Thank you for raising your boys. And please consider therapy if you haven’t already. It makes everything that much easier.