YOU! Youyouyouyouyou…” The word was caught up in her sobs. She threw herself down on the Peace love cure scleroderma awareness shirt and then hard against the wall- hard enough for the orderly to be shaken out of his reverie and to spring into action. I backed away from the door into the hallway. The orderly must have hit an “oh, shit” button because I was suddenly in a tide of medical personnel with a loud alarm blaring in my ears. I slipped through them as unobtrusively as possible. I drove home in silence, mentally berating myself at being so delusional. I drove to the house I grew up in one last time, to my father sleeping upright in his armchair. He must not have let them pack it in, I thought, laying down beside him on the bare floor, staring up at the ceiling. I slept there that last night, in an empty house full of memories.
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We woke up to the phone call that my sister had committed suicide. My father handed the phone over to me almost Peace love cure scleroderma awareness shirt immediately, stone-faced and with mottled skin from his hangover. He left quietly while I listened to the doctor continue. “She had been cheeking pills,” they said; “We have no idea where she was hiding them”. I thought about the pills I had spilled out onto the bed, feeling my stomach cramp with guilt. I had no way of knowing if I had left any of them behind. I would think that they would be mostly ineffective after so many years, but if there had been enough of them… My thoughts swam and sank. There were no cameras in the room, so there was nothing to link me to the incident. There was no real investigation. When someone dies young, we mourn the person they could have been- what else they could have brought into the world. No one had trouble sleeping over what my sister’s loss meant, aside from my father and me, with our threadbare memories of that girl who once was.
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